Guidelines for the English World Cup commentators
1. Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match (South Africa v Mexico), the commentator must mention England.
2. Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have to be mentioned within the first minute.
3. The commentator shall refer to the Falkland Isles in passing at some point during any England v Argentina match.
4. Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.
5. Should England wear their red jerseys, then ‘1966’ should be mentioned approximately 20 times.
6. 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4 or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.
7. Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the commentator will mention Bobby Moore……and 1966.
8. When Germany are playing, they must be referred to as being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing ability. Reference must continually be made to the 5-1 thrashing dished out by England in 2001.
9. Should England play Germany, references to Winston Churchill, The Dambusters, The Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory……. and 1966!
10. All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer to England as “we” and “us”.
11. We must ensure that nationalistic stereotypes are adhered to. Of course, the Germans are arrogant, the Spaniards are bottlers, the Nigerians are fast but bad at defending, the Cameroonians are disorganised, the Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in England.
12. For matches not involving England, we must only discuss the players that are playing in England, e.g. France v Ivory Coast should be referred to as Gallas v Drogba.
13. The mythical “bulldog spirit” phrase should be used as often as possible.
14. Each match involving England should begin with the phrase “England Expects.
15. Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.
16. If in doubt, mention 1966.
17. Praise all of the stunning new stadiums in South Africa, but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966.
18. Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.
19. Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and Bobby Charlton should be mentioned.
20. When England bow out after the first stage, we must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.